i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
