dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Randomize
