Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
