I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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