Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Randomize
