Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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