If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Are we still banned from the library?
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
