I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
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