In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize