if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
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