hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
