does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Randomize
