so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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