y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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