Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
