I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
