In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
