I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
