I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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