i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
