I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
