I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
