i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
