We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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