Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Oh god it's open bar.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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