sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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