Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
