batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
You smell like a Billy Joel song
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
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