i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
There r osticjed everywhere
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Randomize
