Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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