i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
