he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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