you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
