Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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