make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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