im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
