If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
