I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
