I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
