Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
This is classic penis vs brain.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
