Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
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She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
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The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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