You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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