I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
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