Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
