I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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