Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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