im gay
i know
yea but for you.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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