I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
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he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
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hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.