drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Randomize