only if we run a train.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
These People Are So Awkward You’ll Get Embarrassed
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
These People Encountered Celebrities in Bizarrely Normal Places
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.