I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE