just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
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