So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room