I'm going to rape someone's good day.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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