just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
