So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
