just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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