Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
