u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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