He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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